While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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