call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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