I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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