I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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