I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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