If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
