PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
what day is it and did you see me today?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
