I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
