my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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