The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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