Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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