and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
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