where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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