i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
