dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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