You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
