Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
