Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
