Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize