im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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