Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
