Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
