she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
