Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
