she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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