it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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