i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
she told me i tasted like america
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
