Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
