i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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