you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
You smell like stripper and shame
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
