After last night, I could never be a politician.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
