Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
