Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
