My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize