You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
