Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
