What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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