My Higher Power is John Stamos
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
