Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The power of my boobs compel you
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
