"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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