I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
