Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
