Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
