She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
