I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
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