if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
