In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
