We're facebook friends in real life
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
