We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
