She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
