Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
