So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize