I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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